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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I’m running late. Classic me. I sprint down Kōen-dōri, dodging old ladies and their shopping bags. Like, why are they so fast? I swear they’re training for the Olympics or something. Anyway, I finally get to the office, and guess what? The printer’s jammed. Ugh! I’m like, “Really? Today of all days?” I’m sweating bullets, trying to fix it. Spoiler alert: I didn’t.

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